Football, or soccer as it is strangely known in younger countries, is a physical game full of rough and tumble. As teams strain every nerve and sinew to win, the rules are inevitably broken and fouls are committed. A foul is when you kick, maim or incapacitate a player in an illegal fashion in order to gain an advantage for your side. Typical fouls are tackles from behind and two footed slides as well as more innocuous incidents such as high feet and shoulder barges.

A professional foul is one committed by a professional. It is generally the name given to a cynical foul that halts the opposition's counter attack or stops them scoring a certain goal. Good practitioners of the professional foul are John Terry of Chelsea and James Pickard of Sheerness East. To complete an effective professional foul you need to make sure that you do not win the ball and that the opposing player is stopped in their tracks.

The first thing to put in your pocket when deciding to commit a professional foul is confidence. If you're not confident you may end up missing the player and looking like a pleb. Be confident that you can take the opponent down while making it look like an accident. It is a skill you'll need if the striker is much faster than you and you haven't a hope of legitimately tacking him. Tackle with confidence and make sure you go down as well, this will reduce your chances of getting a red card.

Timing of the foul is also important. You must make sure that you don't make the foul while you still have a chance of getting the ball within the laws of the game. Also don't make the foul if one of your team mates can cover for you. Committing the foul at this point could lead to you picking up a card, which prevents you from making another foul later in the game. With perfect timing you can foul the opposition forward just after he has beaten you with skill and flair and gained a clear path to goal. At this point you can show how tough you are and let out your frustration at not being skilled enough to play in an attacking position. Try to take the player out, but don't hurt them, that's just nasty.

Remember, the professional foul is a last resort after you've been beaten. Try sliding looking like you're reaching for the ball and missing. You can claim you touched the ball and feign innocence afterwards. Another good one is to just clip the heels of the attacker while keeping your arms raised in the air as if to say you didn't touch him. Flouncy attackers often dive and fake an injury so you're quite likely to have the referee on your side if their player makes a theatrical dive to the turf. Good luck in your next game, and try not to get caught.